Being Afraid to Fail Makes One Selfish

A few months ago, as we sat in Katie's house attempting to do a book club discussion out of the book The Glass Castle, I sat, hesitantly, mid sentence, trying to say the right words for the thoughts that were whirling in my mind when Katie said, "Don't be afraid to fail, Domi." The comment hit me like a brick on the head. Or a light bulb encendido en mi cabeza. Of course! I am hesitant. I am cautious because I am afraid to fail. Crazy, isn't it?

Last night, or rather this morning at 3:47, I got up out of bed cautiously, telling myself that if nothing more I had to pee and that would be my excuse. Rika had been up for awhile on the bathroom. She was vomiting. Really going at it. I wanted to know if she was alright; needed anything. However, I wasn't sure she would meet my friendly concern with acceptance or contempt. I knocked. I asked if she was okay. She opened and explained. Too much food, a little more wine than necessary- an upset stomach. To the space I explained that I needed to pee. She left; I went in.

In bed, I realized I didn't offer her warm water or tea to help settle the nausea. I had forgotten because I was too busy occupying my thoughts with me. With my role and how to play it well. In focusing on not failing- I had failed. SELFISHLY. That is the thought that came to my mind as I lay in bed, Rika getting herself tea. My fear of failure left me thinking about myself and not my friend. How many times has this happened. How many friends, people have I missed helping for fear of it being an inopportune time? What about the elder gentleman at fisio yesterday. I wasn't sure if there was a need, afraid that I would look silly, I sat as, in fact, there was a need but I would not be able to fulfill it. Thanks fear and broken leg. Thanks selfishness.

The idea of selflessness is that it does not think of itself. It jumps in without thinking because there is a need. "oh, you're okay? Cool, I just wanted to make sure," it says. It is active and present. It does not think about itself. It puts itself last.

My fear has made me selfish.